This is how to make friends as an adult 5 secrets backed by research

This is how to make friends as an adult 5 secrets backed by researchThis is how to make friends as an adult 5 secrets backed by researchWhen you were a kid it welches a lot easier. In college, you alfruchtwein had to be tryingnotto make friends. But then youre an adult. You get busy with work. Yur friends get busy with work. People get married. Have kids. And pretty soon being close means a text message twice a year.Youre not aloneOr, actually, the whole point of this is you really may be alone. But youre not alone in being alone. These days were all alone together. In 1985 most people said they had 3 close friends. In 2004 the most common number waszero.Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moreViaSocial Why Our Brains Are Wired to ConnectIn a survey given in 1985, people were asked to list their friends in response to the question Over the last six months, who are the people with whom y ou discussed matters important to you? The most common number of friends listed was three 59 percent of respondents listed three or more friends fitting this description. The same survey was given again in 2004. This time the most common number of friends was zero. And only 37 percent of respondents listed three or more friends. Back in 1985, only 10 percent indicated that they had zero confidants. In 2004, this number skyrocketed to 25 percent. One out of every four of us is walking around with no one to share our lives with.Friends are important. Nobody would dispute that.ButI doubt you know howveryimportant they are.So lets see just how critical friends can be- and the scientifically-backed ways to get more of them in your lifeLoneliness Is A KillerWhen people are dying, what do theyregret the most? Coming in at 4 isI wish I had stayed in quntchen with my friends.And neglecting your friends can make those deathbed regrets come alotsooner than youd like. When I spoke toCarlin Flo ra, author ofFriendfluence The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are, she told meJulianne Holt-Lunstad did a meta-analysis of social support and health outcomes and found that not having enough friends or having a weak social circle is the same risk factor as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.Maybe your grandparents lived to 100 and you take good care of yourself. Youre healthy. But if you want those years to be full of smiles, you need to invest in friendship. 70% of your happiness comes from relationships.ViaThe 100 Simple Secrets of Happy PeopleContrary to the belief that happiness is hard to explain, or that it depends on having great wealth, researchers have identified the core factors in a happy life. The primary components are number of friends, closeness of friends, closeness of family, and relationships with co-workers and neighbors. Togetherthese features explain about 70 percent of rolleal happiness. Murray and Peacock 1996The Grant Study at Harvard has followeda group of men for their entire lives. The guy who led the study for a few decades, George Vaillant, was asked, What have you learned from the Grant Study men? Vaillantsresponse?That the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people.So friendshipsare really really really important. But maybe youre not worried. Maybe you have lots of friends. Guess what?Inseven years, half of your close friendswont be close to youanymore.ViaFriendfluence The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We AreA study by a Dutch sociologist who tracked about a thousand people of all ages found that on average, we lose half of our close network members every seven years. To think that half of the people currently on your most dialed list will fade out of your life in less than a decade is frightening indeed.Ouch.Scared yet? I am.(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling bookhere.)So what do we do? (No, going back to college is not the answer.) How do we make new friends as adults?1) The New Starts With The OldThe first step to making new friends is dont. Instead,reconnect with old friendsThese findings suggest that dormantrelationships often overlooked or underutilized can be a valuable source of knowledge and social capital.Doing this is easy, its not scary, theyre people you already have a history with, and it doesnt take a lot of time or work to get to know them. Go to Facebook or LinkedIn for ideas and then send some texts. Boom. You already have more friends.If youre going to be strategic, who should you prioritize? You probably met a disproportionatenumber of your friends through just a handful of people. Those are your superconnectors.Rekindle thoserelationships. And then ask them if theres anyone you should meet. Next time you get together, see if that new person can come along. Not. Hard. At. All.(To learn how to deal with a narcissist, clickhere.)But maybe this feels a little awkward. Maybe your friendship muscles have atrophied. Maybe you werent great at making friends in the first place. So what really makes people click?2)Listen, Seek Similarity, andCelebrateClicking with people is a lot less about you and a lot more about focusing on them.Dont be interesting. Be interested.And what are the best ways to do that?Listen, Seek Similarity, and Celebrate.Studiesshow being likable can be as easy aslistening to people and asking them to tell you more.Andmountains of researchshow similarity is critical. So when they mention something you have in common, point it out.Finally, celebrate the positive. When someone talks about the good things in their life, be enthusiastic and encouraging.ViaThe Myths of HappinessThe surprising finding is that the closest, most intimate, and most trusting relationships appear to be distinguished not by how the partners respond to each others disappointments, losses, and reversals but how they react to good news.(To learn more about how to be someone people love to talk to , clickhere.)Alright, your superconnectors are making introductions and youre clicking. But how do you get close to these new people? Weve all met people we thought were coolbut just didnt know how to take it to the next level and go from acquaintance to friend. Its simple, but not necessarily easy3)Be VulnerableOpen up a bit. Dont go full TMI, but make yourself a little bit vulnerable. Nobody becomes besties by only discussing the weather.Close friends are what leads to personal discussions. But personal discussions are also what leads toclose friends.ViaClick The Magic of Instant ConnectionsAllowing yourself to be vulnerable helps the other person to trust you, preciselybecauseyou are putting yourself at emotional, psychological, or physical risk. Other people tend to react by being more open and vulnerable themselves. The fact that both of you are letting down your guard helps to lay the groundwork for a faster, closer personal connection.Close friends have a goodif-then profile of each other. Once you have an idea of if someone was in situation X, then they would display behavior Y, that means youre really starting to understand them. And this leads to good friendshipsPeople who had more knowledge of their friends if-then profile of triggers had better relationships. They had less conflict with the friend and less frustration with the relationship.How many close friends do you need? If we go by the science, you want to aim for at least five.ViaFinding Flow The Psychology of Engagement with Everyday LifeNational surveys find that when someone claims to have five or more friends with whom they can discuss important problems, they are 60 percent more likely to say that they are very happy.(To learn the lazy way to an awesome life, clickhere.)So you have new friends. Awesome. Now how do you not screw this up?4) Dont Be A StrangerFirst and foremostmake the time. Whats the most common thingfriends fight about? Time commitments.ViaFriendfluence The Surprising Way s Friends Make Us Who We AreDaniel Hruschka reviewed studies on the causes of conflict in friendship and found that the most common friendship fights boil down to time commitments. Spending time with someone is a sure indicator that you value him no one likes to feel undervalued.You need to keep in touch. (Remember not keeping in touchis how you got into this problem in the first place.)If you want to stay close friends with someone, how often do you need tocheck in?Researchsays at least every two weeks.(To learn the four rituals neuroscience says will make you happy, clickhere.)So even if you need to set a reminder on your calendar, check in every two weeks. But, actually, theres a better way tomake sure you dont forget5) Start AGroupDenmark has the happiest people in the world. (Im guessing Hamlet was an exception.) Why are Danes so happy? One reason is that 92% of them are members of some kind of social group.ViaEngineering Happiness A New Approach for Building a Joyful LifeThe s ociologist Ruut Veenhoven and his kollektiv have collected happiness data from ninety-one countries, representing two-thirds of the worlds population. He has concluded that Denmark is home to the happiest people in the world, with Switzerland close behindInterestingly enough, one of the more detailed points of the research found that 92 percent of the people in Denmark are members of some sort of group, ranging from sports to cultural interests. To avoid loneliness, we must seek active social lives, maintain friendships, and enjoy stable relationships.And whats the best way to make sure youre in a group? Start one. That makes it a lot easier to stay in touch and a lot easier to manage those big 5 friendships with 20% of the effort.A weekly lunch. A monthly sewing circle. A quarterlymovie night. Whatever works. Friends bring friends and suddenly its not so hard to meet cool new people. And who does everyone have to thank for this? You.And make the effort to keep that group solid for everyone.Manystudiesshow older people are happier. Whats one of the reasons? They prune the jerks out of their social circlesOther studies have discovered that as people age, they seek out situations that will lift their moods - for instance, pruning social circles of friends or acquaintances who might bring them down.(To learn the 6 rituals ancient wisdom says will make you happy, clickhere.)Alright, popular kid, weve learned a lot. Lets round it up and find out how to keep your new friendships alive over the long haulSum UpHeres how to make friends as an adultThe new starts with the old Touch base with old friends and leverage your superconnectors.Listen, seek similarity and celebrate Dont be interesting. Be interested.Be vulnerable Open up a bit. Formanif-then profile.Dont be a stranger Check in every two weeks, minimum.Start a group Things that are habits get done. So start a group habit.What doesCarlin Flora, author ofFriendfluence, say is the number one tip for keeping friend ships alive?Reach out to your good friends and tell them how much they mean to you. Its just not something were accustomed to doing. Itll make you feel great, itll make them feel great and it will strengthen the bond between you.Be more giving to the friends you already have. People in romantic relationships always celebrate anniversaries, yet you might have a friend for 15 years and youve probably never gone out to dinner and raised a glass to that. We need to cherish our friendships more.Okay, youre done reading. Time to startdoing. Reach out to a friend right now. Send them this post and letem know you want to get together.Listen to what theyve been up to. Celebrate their good news.Offer to help them out with something.After all, thats what friends are for.Join over 285,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.This article first appeared on Barking Up the Wrong Tree.